The Airplane Bite

"Um I think Gay Sue Beth has a crush on me... Like for realsie7."
2/4/09 1:49 pm

"Okay I don't know what for realsie7 is but I meant just for realsies."
2/4/09 1:50 pm

My bestie has a problem. She is very straight but, for some reason, gets hit on by women. Like, a lot. I have personally witnessed at least three of these lady-type advances--one by a gas station attendant, one by a convenience store worker, and another by a very forward friend of a friend of a friend. And now Sue Beth, who we refer to as Gay Sue Beth, for clarity's sake, and who works with my bestie.

My favorite of by bestie's various being-hit-on-by-a-woman stories is this:

Once, on a plane ride from the Midwest back to the Northwest, my bestie was sitting with her younger brother, minding her own business, probably reading some trash magazine, when she noticed, out of the corner of her eye, someone looking at her. She glanced up to find, two rows up and to the left in the aisle seat, a very large, "butch" woman staring at her. And I mean staring--full on turned around in her seat to ogle my bestie. She had knee length cargo shorts, a big tee shirt, and a buzz cut, and her eyes were not straying.

So my bestie looks away as quickly as she can, turns to her younger brother, and makes him check to see if the woman is still staring.

Her brother, a young teenager at the time, knew a check-out when he saw one and boy did he see one. So my bestie keeps turned away from the woman and tries to just naturally carry on conversation with her brother. He gives my bestie the all-clear, like the woman has finally turned away. So my bestie turns to look but her brother had lied for his own amusement's sake and she is now full on facing her checker-outer, who, keeping eye contact, proceeds to do the bite. The bite. The air bite. The one where if someone does it in your direction there is no mistaking their intentions.

So my bestie is so horrified that she is completely frozen and can't turn away. The biter then gives a silent laugh and turns to the woman next to her who is also sporting men's clothing and a buzz cut.

When my bestie regains composure, she explains what has happened to her brother, who missed the whole thing. He was way bummed about missing the bite and so, somehow (and if you know my bestie this isn't that hard to imagine) convinces my bestie to reciprocate the bite in an effort to procure another one. She gives a bite, the lady shoots back another one, and they both turn away, apparently satisfied with the exchange.